September 13, 2009

"when are you two going to have kids?"



never!

Just kidding.

This is thee number one question I get asked on a weekly basis! Depending on who asks, my answer varies. Sometimes I answer with a snotty remark like..."were saving up for a boat" or "we want to travel more!" Sometimes I answer with "we don't want kids right now", "I'm good" or "I'm content". My sister says I should tell them all about our dirty late night lovin' details and how we are trying....maybe that would shut everyone up. But will it? I didn't think so either.

My tubes are blocked!
There I did it, I said it out loud!


We have been dealing with this for a couple of years. I just cant do it anymore! I feel like I have all these built up emotions and I have no where to put them. I can only battle with it inside for so long and I am at my limit. This is something that is beyond frustrating, beyond the biggest emotional roller coaster that I have ever been on and something that is completely beyond my control. I'm supposed to be a mother. Hello? I'm 28 and Mormon! I am supposed to be a mom by now, I think with 3 or 4 right? Thats what we do- us Mormons. I am supposed to be up right now at 12:50am feeding a baby, not up feeling sorry for myself. Pitty party. Sorry. I'm not ready to physically talk about it so I will blog talk for now. Baby steps. This may be a good outlet for me.


You assume that when you are ready to have kids, you'll just have them. No! You assume that when all your ovulation strips come out negative that your doctor will just put you on CLOMID. Easy fix right? No! You assume that because you have already been through so much there is NO WAY Heavenly Father will make you go through something like this. Nope. That definitely is not how it works.



It is beyond frustrating when both "our" counts and "our" hormone levels are good. The problem is that scar tissue has blocked my tubes and it doesn't allow the eggs to come down. Where did the scar tissue come from? Well that's easy, it's from all my previous abdominal surgeries involving the lovely CROHNS DISEASE. The doctors don't want to do surgery because I have been through so many already and it may or may not help anything. The only way to bypass the tubes is In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).



7 weeks of IVF treatment does something to you physically, emotionally and hormonally. By week 4-5 you want to give up! Yes, you want to give up even though you are so motivated for a baby. Your body is tired and achy. Some spots are extremely sore and bruised and you cant bare to give yourself one more shot. But you do! As you push the needle into your tender skin you say out loud "it's for a baby! it's for a baby! it's for a baby!" By week 51/2 - 6 you seriously can't do it anymore... so... your ever so darling husband ends up doing everything! Even the easy ones! Why does it hurt less when he does it?



It's frustrating that I have to do these lame shots! And that I have to go under the knife to get my eggs retrieved. Ouch! It's completely out of our control how many eggs fertilize over night and how many will then start to divide and grow properly. Its physically draining having to wait while those little babes grow in a dish! It's true, my babies are conceived in a dish. Oh I really do hope there is romantic music playing in the back ground. Preferably Celine Dion but whatever. While they grow, I wait! Once the babes are ready to be transfered into my uterus the doctor picks the 2 best looking embryos that he feels will do the "best"- as for the rest of the babes-IN THE FREEZER THEY GO. It's a little uncomfortable to be on strict bed rest for 3 days in hopes that these little embryos will find a good spot and stick to mama. After bed rest you "get" to wait 10 L O N G days to find out if this whole process even worked. Its pretty frustrating when you get the phone call you've been waiting for all day; just to get a negative result! We thought for sure it was going to work! Everything was in our favor. No. Not this time.


Aloha! Lets go to Hawaii and forget about it. So we did. Vacations do mend the heart. See?





I thought I experienced frustration enough from the first cycle. No. Not even close. Cycle number 2 wins that prize. I finally got the courage to go for it again. I was excited about it, doctors were going to be more aggressive this round. This is going to work for sure this time! Any infertile friend knows the "it's going to work" phrase all too well. You have to have hope. Right?



Well to our surprise....it did work. I got the dreaded call- oh that's a long day! This time it was a positive result. What? I am? I'm pregnant!! I am pregnant with one baby, how exciting! After the exciting news you mark your calendar for the first ultra sound appointment which will take place in 3 whole weeks! More waiting!


The first ultra sound had finally arrived. We made it! You're extra nervous because the doctor, the nurses, you and hubby are all squished in a tiny room! All of us waiting and wanting to see if there is a heart beat. All eyes were on the screen looking. You are so nervous that you don't look at the monitor- you watch everyone else looking at it. The nurse in the back jumped and said "THERE" and pointed with her pen. She saw it first. We got to see the little flicker heart beat. They all congratulated and patted us on the back. It was yet another hurdle we jumped. What a fun and big secret we had!


A quick week later and it was time for our second ultra sound. Another hurdle to jump ...this time the flicker had slowed down and the baby had not grown over the week. I was told "stop taking your meds tonight". What? Did that seriously just happen? Yes. And it sucked. A little different tone than last week. Somber. You feel a little stupid because the room is full of new Infertility clinic friends and you are crying. Awkward. Tissues are given to you in one hand and your other hand is held by your honey. Unintentionally your mind wonders and you stop listening while the doctor trys to suggest the "next game plan", so, he ends up talking to your husband instead. The sweet nurses give loving hugs and then you leave. You don't want to cry as you leave because you don't want the other patients in the waiting room to lose hope. So you find some sort of balance and walk out with your head up.... well until you get to the car. That car ride home was a fun one. Lots of tears were shed, some jokes were attempted. But it wasn't funny. Round two was going to end in a miscarriage. And it did.


Europe is our get away this time! That is why we are going, to site see our sorrows away. We booked it shortly after our news. This vacation has really taken our minds off the whole situation and it really is giving us something to look forward to.


So...will there be round 3? Yes! We have not given up hope. Actually we have more hope this time because we know it can work. I was able to get pregnant! Progress has been made. When are we going to do it? We don't know. My body has not recovered completely, I still have to wait for Mother Nature to do her thing. It takes a lot of mental prep to commit to doing another IVF cycle, fully knowing what you're about to do. Yuck! But to hear the words "YOU'RE PREGNANT" is worth it. We won't announce when we attempt round 3, it's hard with just a small group knowing our every move. Its hard filling them in on every doctors appointment. I hate answering questions that I don't have answers to. And I don't want more questions like "are you pregnant?" "did it work?" So we'll do this in private ....again.

Oh the things I am trying to learn from all this. Trying is the key word. I don't know why us infertiles have to go through stuff like this. It's no fun. Its humbling. Its made me have feelings I don't think I have ever felt. Its something I think about all the time, it is the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. It is always there. Its frustrating because its completely out of our control! We are so dependent on Heavenly Father.


Now, on the flip side, I have an amazing marriage. We will never get this time back again and I wouldn't trade this time for anything. We have been married for 6 years and its fun just he and I. We are able to do fun things, and be spontaneous still. We stay up late and we sleep in late. We spoil each other. We are having more fun now then ever. We are enjoying our alone time, and take full advantage of it. We know the grass is greener on either side. So we'll relish on our side for now.


There, it's out! I can breathe. Why spill it now? Because one day I'm going to be pregnant. And you won't have to ask if quads run in the family! just kidding. You'll just know that out of desperation we put a gang load of embryos in- hoping one will stick.



...and maybe....

just maybe.....
prayers will be said on our behalf...


There I did it,
I can say it!

Hi, I'm Erin and I'm Infertile.

51 comments:

kRiStEn_S said...

WOOOOOWWWWWEEEEE!!!!!! Holy cow, you can write Erin! I felt like I was right there with you through it all (and you know we would've been if you wanted us to be), but I TOTALLY get that you want to be private about it and not bugged with a million questions, so our lips will be zipped until you're ready to tell us something. Just know that you're in our thoughts and especially in our prayers!!

Man I bet there are some people who will have to open mouth, insert foot!!! We were actually looking forward to a ride in the awesome boat you were saving up for. ;)

Jon and Sarah Jackson Family said...

Yep. It's not like I can say anything that will even half make me or you feel better. I can't say "I know what you're going through", or "be patient, it is all for the best."

In truth, I would have probably lost my zest for life if our roles were reversed. Life really can stink sometimes. I can tell you that you are stonger than I, and you have more of an impact for good on people than you realize. I have always looked up to you and continue to do so.

Have fun sight-seeing your struggles away...at least for a little while. Say hello to europe for me.

Christina said...

as a child who was adopted by a mother who could not have children of her own...3 simple words..

you are loved

kelseyp said...

Erin!!!! I LOVE YOU!! I am so happy you did this... I really don't have the words to describe how much I admire you- your strength and your courage. I can't even tell you how glad I am you put it all out there.. do you feel such a load off? You are going to be ENORmous carrying 4 babies in that tiny little body. Have fun in Europe.. kinda selfish don't you think? :)

Dartay said...

Couldn't have said it any better. From one infertile to another, I love ya :)

the danielson's said...

You are a stud Erin! Hang in there and your blessings will flood in. I will definantly remember you in my prayers. Doesn't saying things (typing things) just make you feel so much better, I hope that is true for you!

Alison said...

My sweet sister...I love you!

Chris and Jenn said...

WOW, what a story! I know I just told you this but you are one strong woman! You WILL be a mom and a GREAT mom!
You will be in our prayers!
LOVE YA!

Kipn n' Sarah said...

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Alicia said...

Erin, thank you for sharing this! I love you so much and you are such an example to everyone! You are such an amazing women and will be such and amazing mother!!!

Tyler Jorgenson said...

Erin and Romney. Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your life and your personal trial. I could tell that it wasn't easy to share but it was touching and I really appreciated the candid delivery.

Keep the faith.

Your friend,

Tyler

Griffeth Family said...

We will be praying for you! If you ever feel like getting away to NYC you can stay with us!!! We have lots of fun and distracting things to do here.

Sarah Hull said...

I love you friend. You are brave and you are strong.
You did an amazing job with this post because you are in deed, amazing.
If anyone deserves a trip to Europe... it is you two! Have the best time!!

Carrie and Shane said...

Erin,
When you and Romney become parents, your children will have more love than the vast majority of people on this earth. You will make a wonderful mother!

Jenny said...

Erin, oh how I admire you!! You are the strongest person I know!! No matter how parenthood happens for you two, You will be the best parents ever. Love ya girl!

Heidi said...

WOW! seriously, it makes me really thank my Heavenly Father for the 2 i do have.
You WILL have your turn to be a mommy, and you will be amazing! I am sure your little ones are just so anxious to come and meet you here on earth! Lots of love to you and your hubby! You will be in our prayers!

Emily said...

My prayers are with you and your hubby! You are going to be an awesome mommy someday.

Enjoy your trip!

Tanya said...

I got a little emotional reading that. Thanks for sharing! I am so sorry you have to deal with this but I am certainly glad you reward yourself with amazing trips =) You guys definilty desearve them. My thoughts and prayers are with you and as a mom of twins, I am praying you get twins next time =)

megan&steve said...

Erin, you are so brave and awesome. When you explained all of this to me in Cali I was grateful to know that you trusted me with your treatment information.
You will get pregnant again. You are strong & so is Romney.
I love ya!

Rachelle said...

HATE that question of, "when are you having kids?" people should keep to themselves!!!

i'm sorry.

enjoy europe!!!!

The Gray Family said...

Erin, can I just say how amazing you are and how blessed I feel to know you? I feel very optimistic about the next go around! Have an AWESOME TRIP!!!!!

Christine said...

Whoaahh, another lesson to all of us to never judge cause we never know what someone is really going through.

Kudos to you for being so brave, and honest. I'll be praying for you and rooting for you trying to find a blend of being supportive without being intrusive =)

We love you and your sweet hubby!

Enjoy your trip and learn some French and Italian for us!

(After you guys came over on Sunday I asked Jeff if he wanted to look through his mission pictures some more. He told me to put them away because it made him too sad...thanks to you guys I'm sure he's cooking up the desire to go back to Italy :)

Brianne said...

you are so cute!!! My cousin went thru all that too. It's so hard, but I'll pray for you!! Have fun ib Europe!

Anonymous said...

Erin and Romney we love you guys. We KNOW you will be such great parents you are so good to our little ones. Enjoy your trip you should have landed four hours ago :) we will look foward to some awsome pictures. You are both great examples to us.
The Stubbs

Stubbs said...

Erin and Romney we love you guys. We KNOW you will be such great parents you are so good to our little ones. Enjoy your trip you should have landed four hours ago :) we will look foward to some awsome pictures. You are both great examples to us.
The Stubbs

Stubbs said...

Ok Erin sorry I left my message twice. As you can tell I am not a blogger this is my first time to even leave a comment. I am learning the ways of the blogging world (:

Ashley said...

Girl....you are super and all those little babes in the freezer are going to be so lucky to have you...yes all 4 that you will have, right???
So sorry you have to go through this....you are so strong. One day, you will look back and see how much you grew and learned from all this.
Have a blast in Europe and know that everybody is jealous!!!!

The Texas Links said...

Only Heavenly Father knows why we need to go through things like this. Some lesson to learn.....

When it does happen...and it will--one way or another...that will be the luckiest little baby on the planet. I can't think of two people that will be better parents than you two.

We're here to lend an ear or a shoulder. We'll keep you in our prayers. Love you sister.

Megahn Kendra Curl said...

Hey bestest friend, I just want you to know how much your's and Romney's friendship means to Johnny and I. We will deffiantaly be praying out our little hearts for you guys and when it works because it will you can garenty I will be loving that little child like you have loved ours. You are going to be way awesome as a mommy so stay strong because you will soon be enjoying the grass on the otherside.I love you and I am grateful to have such a wonderful friendship with you.Enjoy this trip to Europe because hopefully this will be the last trip for along time.

Shannon said...

We love you guys. I want to just copy your last comment to me. I know you already know that there is a plan and Heavenly Father is with you every painful, awful, desperate moment. I also know that just knowing that isn't enough to take away the sadness. You guys are in our prayers too. Hope you are having a wonderful time in Europe. Drown your sorrow in some great chocolate and gelato, cheers me up just thinking of you there.

Rebecca said...

What a great post! It must be hard to talk about but now you know just how many of us are cheering in your corner. Enjoy Europe! Your time will come and like you said, you will have enjoyed the green on your side to the fullest!:)

I'm just sayin'... said...

I stumbled across you're blog through some mutual friends. I hope you don't mind. Not sure if you remember me from the singles ward. Anyway, I can relate to your frustration to a degree and it's nice to hear about someone elses woes (in some twisted way) as opposed to hearing, " yay, baby #3 on the way!". So you're not alone lady. :)
I like to think my spirit children are to blame. I picture them in the spirit world fighting over who gets to come down first and clearly no one has won yet. I fear one day there will be a truce between them and I'll end up pregnant with triplets. lol

MaryBeth Newson (formerly Jones)

The Parkers said...

WE love you guys.. you can borrow Lizzie and Krislynn anytime you want!! You will be in our prayers!

Ryan Southwell said...

Keep up the good work and keep having fun!
(let me know if you got my email)

Anne Marie said...

You know how much you two are loved by all! We know you will never give up. You will be great parents and those children will be so blessed.

On a side note, I have a cousin who tried for 10 years without success and now she has 2 beautiful sets of twins (both through IVF). We're praying for you!

Darren and Tiffany said...

I'm crying. I so look up to you. I called all those ovulation kits and negative pregnancy strips the lamest roller coaster ever! Even had someone say I must not be trying hard enough. Had to laugh at that one, what's that supposed to mean??

Anyway. Keep being you! And kudos to that wonderful hubby of yours.

You will definitely be in our thoughts and prayers!

meg said...

I love you and I feel for you! Have such a blast in Europe! Are we ever going to see you now that we are down here?!

Kurt And Jeana said...

Wow Erin look at all your comments! you have so much love! we'll pray for your baby making to work. Also I love your new fire place and travel bag! They are both beautiful:)

Vincent Family said...

I have never read a blog that gets SOOO many comments!! I don't even know if you will get this. But if you do, I am just so proud of you! Uh I would have just the worst attitude!! Your words!!! Uh - I felt like I just experienced the entire thing first hand - wow you guys are frekin AMAZING!! Thank you for sharing your story. It has opened my eyes to what millions of women have to go through. You guys will be in my prayers EVERYDAY!! I wish I could find the right words to say!! We truly miss and love you guys!! Truly ENJOY Europe!!

erinTphotography said...

Geesh, I just figured you didn't want to get fat like the rest of us.....who knew?

Really though, I love you and said a prayer for you two. A lovely post Erin!

Kathy said...

Hi, I'm Kathy and
I am
completely in awe of you,
your sweet hero husband,
and cannot believe
that you are my friend.
You are both beautiful
and brave.
And I love you.

Piper said...

Erin,

So glad you shared your blog with me today. And everything else. Know that you are loved- from Heaven as well as all around you.

You guys are amazing and I hope you received the nourishment you needed this weekend.

alyson said...

Erin, Like others have said you are so strong! you are going through a hard trial and you will be blessed! You and Romney will be great parents one day! We love you! Don't give up! Your time will come :)

malmfamily said...

wow. Erin, you made me cry. I love you.

Lyndzee said...

I'm proud of you! Love you sister!

mrs.infertility said...

oh, how i hate that question! i always expect to get asked that but then everytime someone does, it catches me off guard! i've enjoyed reading your thoughts on infertility. it totally sucks to have to go through, but SOMEDAY we will be better mothers because of it :)
i know we all hate these stories, "well, my friend did this and it worked...."
but i do have one of those :/ a friend did acupuncture on her 3rd ivf. she has a darling 16 mo. old.
good luck on round 3.
*hugs*

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Noel said...

I always knew you were one of the strongest people I have ever known!! Thank you for reminding me to be even more grateful for my 2 little ones and to cherish everyday!!

I know you will be an amazing Mom! Thanks for sharing with all of us!!

pillerill said...

Hi! Mary showed me your blog post since I'm in the same boat. I hope you're fine with that. Thanks so much for sharing and thank you for your example. I'm going to try and make lemonade out of those awful lemons, too. It's hard without sugar but we'll do our best! Thanks again! /Lisa

Spencer and Sara said...

I am praying for you.

loubige said...

So I've been catching up on your blog tonight after "talking" with you the other day.
Erin, this post just reminds me of why I love you so much--you are awesome. Everyone feels like they could be your best friend b/c you are so genuinely kind and friendly to everyone. How awesome that you have so many "best friends" praying for you now!
Love you!
Lou Ann (SPM) :-)