then there were FOUR....: September 2009

never!

Just kidding.

This is thee number one question I get asked on a weekly basis! Depending on who asks, my answer varies. Sometimes I answer with a snotty remark like..."were saving up for a boat" or "we want to travel more!" Sometimes I answer with "we don't want kids right now", "I'm good" or "I'm content". My sister says I should tell them all about our dirty late night lovin' details and how we are trying....maybe that would shut everyone up. But will it? I didn't think so either.

My tubes are blocked!
There I did it, I said it out loud!

We have been dealing with this for a couple of years. I just cant do it anymore! I feel like I have all these built up emotions and I have no where to put them. I can only battle with it inside for so long and I am at my limit. This is something that is beyond frustrating, beyond the biggest emotional roller coaster that I have ever been on and something that is completely beyond my control. I'm supposed to be a mother. Hello? I'm 28 and Mormon! I am supposed to be a mom by now, I think with 3 or 4 right? Thats what we do- us Mormons. I am supposed to be up right now at 12:50am feeding a baby, not up feeling sorry for myself. Pitty party. Sorry. I'm not ready to physically talk about it so I will blog talk for now. Baby steps. This may be a good outlet for me.

You assume that when you are ready to have kids, you'll just have them. No! You assume that when all your ovulation strips come out negative that your doctor will just put you on CLOMID. Easy fix right? No! You assume that because you have already been through so much there is NO WAY Heavenly Father will make you go through something like this. Nope. That definitely is not how it works.

It is beyond frustrating when both "our" counts and "our" hormone levels are good. The problem is that scar tissue has blocked my tubes and it doesn't allow the eggs to come down. Where did the scar tissue come from? Well that's easy, it's from all my previous abdominal surgeries involving the lovely CROHNS DISEASE. The doctors don't want to do surgery because I have been through so many already and it may or may not help anything. The only way to bypass the tubes is In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

7 weeks of IVF treatment does something to you physically, emotionally and hormonally. By week 4-5 you want to give up! Yes, you want to give up even though you are so motivated for a baby. Your body is tired and achy. Some spots are extremely sore and bruised and you cant bare to give yourself one more shot. But you do! As you push the needle into your tender skin you say out loud "it's for a baby! it's for a baby! it's for a baby!" By week 51/2 - 6 you seriously can't do it anymore... so... your ever so darling husband ends up doing everything! Even the easy ones! Why does it hurt less when he does it?

It's frustrating that I have to do these lame shots! And that I have to go under the knife to get my eggs retrieved. Ouch! It's completely out of our control how many eggs fertilize over night and how many will then start to divide and grow properly. Its physically draining having to wait while those little babes grow in a dish! It's true, my babies are conceived in a dish. Oh I really do hope there is romantic music playing in the back ground. Preferably Celine Dion but whatever. While they grow, I wait! Once the babes are ready to be transfered into my uterus the doctor picks the 2 best looking embryos that he feels will do the "best"- as for the rest of the babes-IN THE FREEZER THEY GO. It's a little uncomfortable to be on strict bed rest for 3 days in hopes that these little embryos will find a good spot and stick to mama. After bed rest you "get" to wait 10 L O N G days to find out if this whole process even worked. Its pretty frustrating when you get the phone call you've been waiting for all day; just to get a negative result! We thought for sure it was going to work! Everything was in our favor. No. Not this time.

Aloha! Lets go to Hawaii and forget about it. So we did. Vacations do mend the heart. See?

I thought I experienced frustration enough from the first cycle. No. Not even close. Cycle number 2 wins that prize. I finally got the courage to go for it again. I was excited about it, doctors were going to be more aggressive this round. This is going to work for sure this time! Any infertile friend knows the "it's going to work" phrase all too well. You have to have hope. Right?

Well to our surprise....it did work. I got the dreaded call- oh that's a long day! This time it was a positive result. What? I am? I'm pregnant!! I am pregnant with one baby, how exciting! After the exciting news you mark your calendar for the first ultra sound appointment which will take place in 3 whole weeks! More waiting!

The first ultra sound had finally arrived. We made it! You're extra nervous because the doctor, the nurses, you and hubby are all squished in a tiny room! All of us waiting and wanting to see if there is a heart beat. All eyes were on the screen looking. You are so nervous that you don't look at the monitor- you watch everyone else looking at it. The nurse in the back jumped and said "THERE" and pointed with her pen. She saw it first. We got to see the little flicker heart beat. They all congratulated and patted us on the back. It was yet another hurdle we jumped. What a fun and big secret we had!

A quick week later and it was time for our second ultra sound. Another hurdle to jump ...this time the flicker had slowed down and the baby had not grown over the week. I was told "stop taking your meds tonight". What? Did that seriously just happen? Yes. And it sucked. A little different tone than last week. Somber. You feel a little stupid because the room is full of new Infertility clinic friends and you are crying. Awkward. Tissues are given to you in one hand and your other hand is held by your honey. Unintentionally your mind wonders and you stop listening while the doctor trys to suggest the "next game plan", so, he ends up talking to your husband instead. The sweet nurses give loving hugs and then you leave. You don't want to cry as you leave because you don't want the other patients in the waiting room to lose hope. So you find some sort of balance and walk out with your head up.... well until you get to the car. That car ride home was a fun one. Lots of tears were shed, some jokes were attempted. But it wasn't funny. Round two was going to end in a miscarriage. And it did.

Europe is our get away this time! That is why we are going, to site see our sorrows away. We booked it shortly after our news. This vacation has really taken our minds off the whole situation and it really is giving us something to look forward to.

So...will there be round 3? Yes! We have not given up hope. Actually we have more hope this time because we know it can work. I was able to get pregnant! Progress has been made. When are we going to do it? We don't know. My body has not recovered completely, I still have to wait for Mother Nature to do her thing. It takes a lot of mental prep to commit to doing another IVF cycle, fully knowing what you're about to do. Yuck! But to hear the words "YOU'RE PREGNANT" is worth it. We won't announce when we attempt round 3, it's hard with just a small group knowing our every move. Its hard filling them in on every doctors appointment. I hate answering questions that I don't have answers to. And I don't want more questions like "are you pregnant?" "did it work?" So we'll do this in private ....again.

Oh the things I am trying to learn from all this. Trying is the key word. I don't know why us infertiles have to go through stuff like this. It's no fun. Its humbling. Its made me have feelings I don't think I have ever felt. Its something I think about all the time, it is the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. It is always there. Its frustrating because its completely out of our control! We are so dependent on Heavenly Father.

Now, on the flip side, I have an amazing marriage. We will never get this time back again and I wouldn't trade this time for anything. We have been married for 6 years and its fun just he and I. We are able to do fun things, and be spontaneous still. We stay up late and we sleep in late. We spoil each other. We are having more fun now then ever. We are enjoying our alone time, and take full advantage of it. We know the grass is greener on either side. So we'll relish on our side for now.

There, it's out! I can breathe. Why spill it now? Because one day I'm going to be pregnant. And you won't have to ask if quads run in the family! just kidding. You'll just know that out of desperation we put a gang load of embryos in- hoping one will stick.

...and maybe....

just maybe.....

prayers will be said on our behalf...

There I did it,
I can say it!

Hi, I'm Erin and I'm Infertile.